I woke up at 3 am like I do everyday and this morning my emotions already started to overwhelm me. I knew I had to deal with them so I can move forward in my day. I placed headphones on and listened to sad trucker songs. The words are sad, and there is also a deep emotion tied to my father. As he loved old country music and never missed an opportunity to play an old record, or to grab his guitar.
As I'm a little lost and I could use his guidance. I keep going over the numbers over and over and over and over again. Every time I do it always comes to the same conclusion. I feel I'm on the right path logically but everything about it is screaming. I know flip flopping my emotions is never a good idea. The path I'm going down isn't a good idea either, unless you're broken and have lost your way like I have.
I think the reason I feel this way is. I don't know how long this journey will take, and I'm scared I won't be able to stand up again. What that will mean scares me more than anyone or anything. As I've already lost things and family and friends. Who I am is all I have left. Right now Who I am has no value to anyone else but me. I need to find that value again in order to stand up. So I must be brave, I must be the calm like the ocean and as strong as any mountain. As I know I can't run away as there is no place left to run.
All I can do is go forward. Find new connections and new paths of thought to hopefully open a door. That all important door opening. Now It's time to do some more exercise and do my best to meditate. Today I'm going to continue phoning and emailing trucking companies hoping I can find one that will hire me and train me using a government grant that is out there. So fingers crossed.