I've been trying to write this blog for a while this morning. As I had a really good day yesterday. Simply put I had to be nicer to myself. My thoughts have a lot of resistance into them. So I had two options, I could deal with them or I could let them go. Letting them go is the easiest path and no matter how hard I tried that simple wasn't happening.
So I sat down with a Harry Potter audio book staring at a blank page with the cheapest box of wine I could find. I had to deal with the emotions which is something I struggle with. As when I started this pathway of self improvement almost 5 years ago. I made the choice then that I would simply let the negativity go. Regardless of what it was. It worked for me as sometimes I'd have moments, but they would pass as I was able to let it go. As no matter what I seem to do now I can't let it go. It doesn't matter what I do. I can exercise for hours, I can go for a hike, I can meditate surrounded by nature, I could even go to bed. None of these things made a difference.
The first thing that came to my mind was Homelessness. The more I thought about homelessness made me realize, it's just that word that I have the issue with. I love the idea of the journey. I love the idea of being free to go wherever I want. I love the idea of finding myself and my value. The word homeless however, no matter how I spin it. I can't feel good about that. It makes me feel even more broken, It makes me feel like I've already lost. I'm simply not ready to give up or lose. So I simply have to stop using that word. Which brought relief.
I also had to belief in the paths I laid out for myself. Which is to keep applying for jobs or careers that would allow me to live the life I envision for myself. Till I find that I will keep writing, I will keep learning. I will wait for the next door to open, as it's always opening just have to be able to connect to it. Which means I have to be nicer to myself. As no matter where I go on this journey. I need to find out who I am and I also have to find a way to heal my pain. As I never want to go through this again.
So to the journey. I will be starting to put pictures up. As I found my old Camera and I have the memory card and battery pack on order. They should be here today and that really excites me. As I haven't used the camera in years, as life happened and it was hobby I let go off. As Cameras on cell phones just was easier.